Deliverance

Last week was one of the best weeks that I've had in NYC!  Nothing spectacular happened, but after several months of doom and gloom entries, I want to be quick to share and give thanks when there's any sign of hope!

So last Sunday night I went to church, and the message really spoke to me.  On the inside I was really inspired by it, but I could still feel this could of depression that's been hovering over me for the past few months and really distancing me from God.  I feel like I've just been walking through the motions of my faith, and not really feeling the same vibrancy and passion that I felt before.  I've never been married, but I imagine one could compare it to when some couples' marriages become stale, and they know they still love each other, and they're in it for the long haul, but they also remember a time when they would get butterflies when they saw each other, and every day was that much more exciting as they got to experience life intricately intertwined with one another, but those days were far behind them.  That's where I was.  I could remember that time, and I wanted so desperately to have those emotions back, but I was numb-- giving in to the weight of my circumstances and slowly slipping away from communion with God.  I remember at one point a few months ago, having this profound realization that hell was less about flames and pitchforks, and more about the absence of God.  And as I walked further and further away from his presence, I was pulled further and further into my personal hell-- a downward spiral of negativity, ingratitude, and selfishness-- the opposite of everything I want to be in life.

Anyways, I don't know why this particular Sunday was the turning point.  I had gone to many sermons in weeks prior that were equally as inspiring, but I think the timing was just right with it being the start of a new year and all.  Nevertheless, at the end of the sermon, the pastor said that if you needed to talk to someone or wanted prayer, there would be people up in the front 'who would love to talk to you.'  That's typically the point when I tune out, start gathering my belongings, and put my coat on because there is clearly no way that I'm walking all the way to the front of the church to ask some stranger for prayer.  But that's because I've never been desperate before.  Desperate for change; desperate for hope.  So although every fiber of my flesh was screaming for me to walk out the door, my desperate soul led the way to the front alter.  I made awkward eye contact with a woman who smiled at me, and she motioned me to come sit down beside her.  We exchanged names, and within approximately 9 seconds, I was in uncontrollable tears, heaving and sobbing, explaining every emotion that I had bottled up since August.  I searched the depths of my heart, and left no rock unturned.  Sue didn't flinch-- she listened sympathetically, and ooh-ed and aaah-ed at all the right times to show me she understood my situation, and validated me in feeling the way I did.  Then she prayed for me and asked me to pray for myself.  She also encouraged me to join the community group that met on Mondays so I could start to get plugged in.  And that was it-- quick and painless-- and things have turned around eversince.  I feel as though I was hiking up the side of a mountain with a heavy backpack and someone just lifted the entire pack off my shoulders.  I'm still hiking, and it's still challenging, but without the heavy load I remember that I actually like hiking! I just couldn't handle that backpack anymore.

I'm finally able to see my surroundings in a more positive light, and everything seems to burst forth in a brighter hue than it did before.  I'm hopeful that this is the start of a far more colorful chapter than the previous 5 months that I will now start to refer to as the Dark Ages.  :)

"For where two or three come together in my name, there I am with them."  Matthew 18: 20