I've felt inspired to write recently. And although the idea of "starting my blog back up" and catching everyone up on my move back to Texas and the last year of my life seems overwhelming and crippling, I am driving out the feelings of anxiety that would normally paralyze me and keep me from even trying. Instead I'm taking the "How Do You Eat an Elephant?" approach... "one bite at a time..."
So here's a tiny morsel of some of the thought patterns filling my life right now:
This morning this hymn had me weeping uncontrobally, specifically this verse:
Without Thy sweet mercy, I could not live here,
Sin would reduce me to utter despair,
But through Thy free goodness, my spirit's revived,
And He that first made me still keeps me alive.
Recently, I've been coming to terms with the innate wickedness of my heart:
-I am selfish...
-I live in jealousy...
-I keep score...
-I hold onto bitterness...
-I squander my time, my money, and my talents...
-I seek the approval of others
-I am ungrateful and discontent
The list goes on and on. But recently I've learned about a God who doesn't ask me to clean myself up, but rather to come just as I am. And the more I learn about this loving God, the more I despise myself for my sinful heart, wondering how someone could show mercy towards me, but all the more I love God for loving me inspite of my wretchedness.
I think Paul would understand me...
"For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want but I do the very thing I hate. Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law, that it is good. So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. So I find it to be a law that when I want to do right, evil lies close at hand. For I delight in the law of God, in my inner being, but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members. Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord!"
And as the hymn says,
'But through Thy free goodness, my spirit's revived,
And He that first made me still keeps me alive.'
Later Paul goes on to reassure us:
"And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ."